Thursday, February 21, 2008

Foggy Glasses

As I skitter down my street, I wonder if he’ll come by tonight, that quasi-boyfriend of mine. Since this is Thursday, half a week since we last saw each other, and I now can clearly discern its half a week here, half a week off pattern – easy enough – I wonder if he’ll keep to it.

I don’t know exactly how it got to being so, but he’s the only one who can call me, it being unthinkable that I should. Not that we set out to have some old- fashioned chauvinistic delusion, but simply that playing our parts is somewhat, well, pleasantly intriguing.

And I’m not desperate, a tad lonely perhaps mixed in with paranoia here and there (the latter is his assessment), but definitely not desperate. It also goes to figure that the loneliness and paranoia is more present when he is there, not when he’s not. I’m used to being alone, I know myself well, and if I and me don’t always have a harmonious relationship – anyone can get on your nerves sometimes, especially when you’re around each other all the time—at least we have no mutual illusions.

Anyway, I wonder if he’ll call, just to keep to the schedule if nothing else. Last week, amidst a full moon-lit night edged in a postcard-pretty side street, he said he could marry me someday. Someday surely. But nevertheless there is a someday, if something to end it all doesn’t happen first – but with that in mind it could happen right now or 226 million years from now. Come to think of it, I like the idea of everlasting love. Though I do hope that during those noodles of time he won’t press me to have those physical exchanges too often. I find them rather oppressive.

I’m pretty sure he took my smirk for a bashful smile – or did he? He’s not stupid, though he pretends to be at times just so not to contradict me.

After all…after all, and it’s only when I’m alone that this enters my mind, do I even like him that much? I spend so much time going over what he really feels about me, as if it was an unbreachable constant line that only ebbs and flows in intensity, that I hardly have the time to ponder poke it the other way.

He’s not all that comfortable around me, rather sullen actually, I often feel he’d like to be elsewhere or with someone else, or at least by himself. Our conversations are ordinary, all about the spewings of mundane annoyances: the landlord, his boss, my boss, all the people on the street, the metro, the stores – a few of whom caused some startling offense or other and is now worthy of comment.

I cap these tirades by identifying my feelings as misplaced, saying I couldn’t care less about “the petty” anyway. He doesn’t excuse himself. I can’t help but admire him for that. But, in any case, we talk of little else. Sure, there’s a respectable amount of dips in our book-markings of culture. Still, these often leave us stultified and leavened at the afterglow of the idea. It’s hard to maintain enthusiasm for something already completed – by someone else; the fact remains that it was done without you.

In any case, our exchanges are hardly a reflection of more subtle, fleeting mind hops that tend to happen only when I’m alone. Or of his, which I get the feeling he has, or at least this is what keeps me interested. That half-smile of his that coils back immediately after; the way he’s sometimes like a nerdy girl.

But, as it is, we’ve developed the habit of opening our mouths when we both have to go to the bathroom. He, of course, would find that analogy utterly ordinary, crass, and gross. So I keep it to myself. I smile a lot. And I let him wipe my glasses clean. He thinks it’s sweet.

4 comments:

observer said...

"if I and me don’t always have a harmonious relationship – anyone can get on your nerves sometimes, especially when you’re around each other all the time—at least we have no mutual illusions."

I love this, made me smile.

Indeterminacy said...

It's a wonderful narrative - I was intrigued all the way through. She sounds subtly naive, but never cynical. The tone is always entertaining and pleasant.

Banno said...

Came back to the story again. It intrigues me. This relationship between two not very likeable people. Who don't even like each other very much.

Ova said...

This is great info to know.